cool morning run

This morning's temperature: 68 degrees of awesome.  Perfect for a morning run with a friend... I've got the day off and I'm enjoying the cooler, sweatshirt-and-shorts weather, sitting on the porch with my Bible and some good music. 

As usual, I'm wanting to change things up a bit in my spiritual life and in the rest of my life.  My expectations aren't well-defined, other than the fact that I want to spend daily time in the Word of God and prayer--prayer for my husband, prayer for my family, prayer for work and ministry with Young Life, YL leaders and kids, and everything else that comes up in life.  Exercise, of course, is part of my life... but I'd rather this not be my focus (I fear it has been a focus in the past, but I'm pressing on, not dwelling in the past).

1 Timothy reminded me recently to "exercise [myself] toward godliness. For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having promise of the life that now is and of that which is to come" (1 Tim 4:7b-8).

And I have been struggling with the old stuff and the realization that the enemy "wants to return us to the places God called us to leave" (Beth Moore, Daniel Bible-study Session 1).  My old "places" more or less refer to my insecurities about being "too quiet" or "too shy" to be myself in front of people, or the fear that when I'm being quiet that I'm not truly being myself and that no one wants to be around me.   "Places" that are far too focused on myself and other peoples' perceptions of me than on God and His righteousness and identity within me. 

"For You formed my inward parts; / You covered me in my mother's womb. /
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; /
Marvelous are Your works, / And that my soul knows very well"  (Psalm 139:13-14).

When I surrender to God and let Him live within me and express Himself in my life, does that necessarily mean that I become more vocal and more outgoing among other people?  Or is it possible that His expression of Himself within me looks a little quieter than it does in other people, such as my husband, for example?  These are the questions I'm asking God to teach me on and reveal himself to me: that He would express himself however He chooses in my life as I accept that my identity is sealed in Him, and that He would help me to be content in that.

This is going to be a good season.

prelude, the storm

I feel a little dramatic today... I'm just overwhelmed, recognizing God's mission and God's grace in my life, despite my humanness and all my short-comings.  He wants me and loves me in spite of all of that.  Wow. 

Trying to do some writing exercises, hoping to someday get back to writing regularly... anyway... writing churns up old memories that put me in a run of emotions...

But here goes again... maybe I'll try a brief poem/practice.

canoes capped at river's edge

slip in sleeping bags, hot summer eve

off Thunder Bay shore, that's not

where we slept, but I remember

thunder, true tent-shaking thunder

sent me to your face--and what it felt

for Habakkuk at cliffside with your

prelude, the storm

outside whirring, clashing; or how Judy awoke

soaking on her mattress in bedclothes, house torn

by tornado and only the calm of your hand

sustains: as I sleep, keep me safe

yet out-
side of comfort

next steps... and a whole lot of metaphors.

I'm being broken again...  It's been a while since I let God take hold of my heart completely... and I've been yearning for it for a while.  See, my friend's little boy, Uriah Nevins, was diagnosed with leukemia last week.  In it, I've seen both of his parents posting daily on facebook or the online journal they set up for him, about God's mercy, God's presence, His unfailing love.  Full-on trust in Jesus.

This makes me ache.  Ache because I know that I have been so far-off, and that it's horrible but miraculous that a tragedy like this kid's illness could wake me up from my slumber and set me back in the Father's arms.

There isn't much else to say here.  I am a little stunned, still feel like I'm wandering a little bit drunk after hearing the news of Uriah's illness and his family's unshakeable trust in the God who cares, who came, who lived, who died, who rose again so that we may live.

And how to go about living when you've experienced this kind of grace.  So what's my next step?

a long time coming

I'm trying to start this again... writing used to be the easiest thing in the world for me, but it has become challenging.  I've become lazy and full of excuses.  

For example, this excuse: I've started working full time as a registered nurse on a Medical-Oncology unit in a local hospital in Joplin, working three shifts per week.  Sometimes 12 hour shifts turn into 15 shifts or longer, and I'm still trying to adjust... having been there for about 5 months now.  Everything else in my life, since the tornado or since my new job or since our new house or since who knows what, seems like it is need of adjustment. 

My Hgb A1c level.  Going into my last doctor's appointment a couple weeks ago, I knew my A1c would be worse than my last check-up... I'd had a record low (6.8!) for me on my last visit in early July, which was just after coming back from San Diego and meeting all of my inspiring diabetic athlete friends and companions from Insulindependence.  This last check up, however, mid-October, my A1c jumped up to 7.8 --- a whole point higher than last check-up  :(.  I'm usually too embarrassed about my A1c level to state it's exact value in public, but I'm getting over the fact that I am not perfect and I don't want to pretend to be.  There are a lot of factors that I attribute to this extreme elevation in A1c levels... of course, I could  blame my new job and all of the stress and the long hours I'm spending at work, not checking my blood sugars and not properly counting carbs, or the decrease in activity that I've let myself slide into after coming home tired from work... but I need to take responsibility for this, accepting that there are factors that make it challenging--but not impossible--to meet my goal A1c (less than 7).  I need to adjust my day-to-day attitude and set mini-goals that will help me to attain my larger goal of good health.

Exercising.  Right now in my life, exercise feels like a struggle.  It's completely worth it, and I feel like I just need to get over this little hump right now of being unmotivated, just have to work through it...  but exercising--setting mini-goals for how many times per week, or training for a little race, or staying accountable with a training partner--these are the basics I need to go back to right now, so that I can build up to my greater goal of good health, and my Triabetes goal race, the 2012 Boulder Half Ironman.  Feels like it's a long way off, but it's really not.

I could go into detail also about my eating habits, my blood sugar management and carb-counting--all of that which needs to be reanalyzed in my life, but there's really one overarching theme in my life these past few months which has made a difference in every aspect of my life... that's my relationship with Jesus, with my God, my faith.

I have let Jesus take a backseat in my life over the last several months, not taking seriously His promptings, His desire to spend time with me--and all of the aspects in my life have deteriorated because of this lack of relationship.  On my way to work (three times/week), I talk to Jesus for 15 minutes and ask for his help throughout my stressful day with patients and doctors and family members,  etc.  At night, I pray with my husband for about 10 minutes... and this isn't enough--this isn't even a tenth of my time.  Everything else in my life has deteriorated because I am not connecting with God on a regular and consistent basis; because I have believed that I don't need Him.   That is the greatest lie I could ever believe.

But He is changing me, if I will let Him.  Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you... I can't remember the reference for that verse, but I know the verse is true.  I know that if I fix my eyes on Jesus, He will show me how and what to adjust in my life.... maybe not so that I will be perfect--for perfection outside of Jesus is purely an illusion--but so that I will know His grace, His pure love for me that removes all of my failures and all of my fears, that sets me free and allows me to move forward in peace and joy.  He must change me, and I must let Him.

back to blogging, just like jogging

What a great day!  A little drizzly here in southern Missouri, but today is my first free day after completing my nursing program at Missouri Southern State University (pinning & graduation will make this official at the end of the week--whew!)...

It's also my first day blogging again, after about a three-year lapse in blogging.  I used to have a blog entitled Diabetic Accessories, which sounds like it would discuss things like insulin pumps and other things, but mostly it was an anything-goes blog... and I didn't discuss diabetes all that much.  But I've been a diabetic for over 21 years--since the age of five--and in those 21 years, I have had a lot to be thankful for. 

Here, I'm hoping to integrate a little more diabetes into the conversation, as I have been given the amazing opportunity to participate as Team Captain for the Central Plains region for Triabetes, a triathlon club for diabetics, as part of the Insulindependence organization.  The main mission of Insulindependence is to revolutionize diabetes management, to educate, inspire, and empower diabetics to meet goals and live fully with diabetes.  Hence the title of my blog, I am thankful for diabetes and for the challenges its taught me to face.  If you visit my Triabetes Fundraising Page, you'll see some of what my goals and responsibilities are as a Triabetes Team Captain in the 2011-2012 season (including raising over $4,000 and reaching out to my community of diabetics).  I hope to discuss many of these goals and new opportunities in future months on this blog--so please stick around, send some support, and also check out my fellow captains on the Triabetes homepage!

Thanks for reading!